Sunday, July 27, 2008

Military 12 steps

12 Step Program for the Military
1. I am in the military, I have a problem. This is the first step to recovery.

2. Speech:

Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530 or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, workout, get used to it.
"Fuck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
Grunting is not talking.
It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out".
People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC.

3. Style:

Do not put creases in your jeans.
Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
So does a low reg, but not as bad.
A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:

Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:

In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:

In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you".
That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will also not be a good conversation starter.

6. Bodily functions:

Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
VD will also not be funny.

7. The human body:

Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.

8. Spending habits:

One day, you will have to pay bills.
Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
One day you will need health insurance.

9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):

Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.

10. Real jobs:

They really can fire you.
On the flip side you really can quit.
Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800.

11. The Law:

Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested.
Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job.
Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

12. General knowledge:

You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite.
Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time. Bookmark and Share


Anonymous said...

One of the funniest things Ive read in a long time. I am ex military and when I got out, boy did I wish I knew some of these things. Great Post.

Patricia Rockwell said...

And being the wife of a retired military man, being able to laugh at yourself and at the military.

Beamer said...

Very informative post.

The military does tend to screw up ones thinking processes in the real world.

I worked with an Ex-marine that couldn't believe that we would get money from our customers on deliveries with out an armed guard. He quit because of it.

Most of the time it was a check you were picking up.


Buy me a cold one..