Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Tiger Woods crash jokes

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars.
Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree.
He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

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Phil Linehan said...

Hell Hath No Fury – Like A Viking Scorned

Phil Linehan

Was Tiger perhaps trying to take flight
when he jumped into his car in the middle of the night?
How else to explain his behaviour manic
as he stepped on the gas in a state of panic.

Did he think he was hitting the tee
when he bashed his car into a tree?
Was he trying to practice a putting shot
when he walloped an immovable water spigot?

We have to imagine he was hurrying to avoid being berated
by someone who was a little bit irritated
Had he perhaps done something he should not
and in his peccadillo had just been caught?
If he had bothered to study some Scandinavian history
Elin’s behaviour should have been no mystery
for Vikings tend to react quite strongly
when they think they have been treated wrongly.

We have many examples of what happens when their ire
can lead to consequences best described as dire.
So he should be careful when next temped to push her over the edge
or she might come after him wielding his very best wedge.

At least we know now what to give a bride
when about a gift for her shower we must decide.
If we cannot find a nice silver dish for butter
we can always present a weighted putter.

Phil Linehan said...

The Revenge of the Stepford Wives

By Phil Linehan

When Eliot Spitzer was forced on tv to own up to his disgrace
can anyone forget wife Silda’s stricken face?
John Edwards, when caught out in his affair
about ailing wife Elizabeth seemed not to care.

We all know that Newt Gingrich’s marital story
is not one that covers him in glory.
Has it not always seemed quite absurd
that from their long-suffering spouses never heard is a word?

Then, pining to be close to one he calls his soul mate,
Governor Mark Sanford moved the Appalachian mountains to the River Plate.
It never occurred to him wife Jenny would get up and go
forgetting, perhaps, that she is the one who has the dough.

When we hear about this and that humiliated wife
do we not all hope one day one of them will pull a knife?
But wait! They finally found their defender
and the result was a spectacular fender-bender.

Does Tiger really think his irresistible charms
are what make women throw themselves into his arms?
Has he never wondered about his greatest attraction,
the one that gets him all the action?

Even his most ardent admirers would have to admit
that he lacks the appeal of Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt.
It boggles the mind to imagine any woman becoming swooney
over a guy who is the very opposite of dishy George Clooney.

Tiger will have to accept that his place among the much pursued heroes
is simply because his bank account is loaded with zeros.
When the next wife feels the urge to wallop her lying and cheating man
she should be sure to have at hand an old fashioned cast iron frying pan.

Buy me a cold one..