Things not to put on a resume

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.



"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Via